Truth time.

I stood in the middle of a field and called out to God, I called out aloud in a desperate bid for an answer. And I got nothing. I got no reply, no comfort in my heart. Nothing. I sunk to my knees in tears as the sleet came from the sky in droves.

I had lost my faith.

Over the past month I don't know if I've believed in God. At one point I was so close, far too close to walking away from everything I've known for the past four years of my life.
I know it all to be true, I believe in Jesus, I believe Him. However, I was so weary, so very weary of trying constantly to keep my head above the water, keep paddling gasping for breath. Honestly, I was sick of the silence that God was answering my cries with.
I talked to a lot of people, all of them giving me honest answers. Answers that i would give to one of my friends if they were going through a similar thing. "Trust in God", "Have faith that He'll speak in the end", He's just testing your faith", "God is always good, you know He has a reason behind this"...the answered followed this pattern. They were text book answers. I wanted something that i could hold onto, something that came from Him.
I cried myself to sleep many nights.

My frustrations increased as I continued to read the Bible, go to church, and talk to God.
But I seemed to grow further and further away despite my heart wanting Jesus so much. I behaved as I would if the faith was there. Hoping that it would return. That the faith which had brought me from a self harming, self hating, teen to the woman I am today would play a part in my life once again.

I'm not going to pretend that this couldn't have gone either way.
Not for one second do I believe that I have more faith than many who have walked away in the past.. My heart ached those nights falling asleep with a soaked pillow, I envied the simplicity of their lives, now that they didn't pray to an unseen deity, they didn't have that heart sinking feeling when He didn't answer. I envied "the wicked" as in psalm 73.

One of my friends said to me on Tuesday, "Jessy, you're asking God to prove Himself to you. Do you realise how arrogant that is? He has nothing to prove to you."
As I thought about what she had said to me I knew that she was right.
[When I first became a Christian, the first verse I believe that God spoke to me, before I knew scripture whatsoever was from Deuteronomy, “you shall not put the Lord your God to the test.” Since that point, I've tried to live by faith, just on the premise that God told me not to test Him that first day of my real life.
Somewhere I had lost that.]

Still though, I held onto my grudge against God, and against His silence, His waiting, His holding back. I was both heart broken and angry with the situation.

Last night I prayed that God would speak to me, that He would let this winter season of my life be over, the whole time in the back of my mind threatening, if You don't I'm leaving.
This morning, I prayed and read my Bible, not really coming to it with the reverence or expectancy that I ought to have with the word of God. I read something in Ezekiel which stirred up emotion inside of my heart, but I put this down to longing and nothing more.
I got along with my day. When I got around to checking my emails, this was in my inbox.

The Summer Will Come

"Therefore will the Lord wait, that he may be gracious unto you" (Isa. 30:18).

Where showers fall most, there the grass is greenest. I suppose the fogs and mists of Ireland make it "the Emerald Isle"; and whenever you find great fogs of trouble, and mists of sorrow, you always find emerald green hearts; full of the beautiful verdure of the comfort and love of God.
O Christian, do not thou be saying, "Where are the swallows gone? They are gone; they are dead." They are not dead; they have skimmed the purple sea, and gone to a far-off land; but they will be back again by and by. Child of God, say not the flowers are dead; say not the winter has killed them, and they are gone. Ah, no! though winter hath coated them with the ermine of its snow; they will put up their heads again, and will be alive very soon. Say not, child of God, that the sun is quenched, because the cloud hath hidden it. Ah, no; he is behind there, brewing summer for thee; for when he cometh out again, he will have made the clouds fit to drop in April showers, all of them mothers of the sweet May flowers. And oh! above all, when thy God hides His face, say not that He hath forgotten thee. He is but tarrying a little while to make thee love Him better; and when He cometh, thou shalt have joy in the Lord, and shalt rejoice with joy unspeakable. Waiting exercises our grace; waiting tries our faith; therefore, wait on in hope; for though the promise tarry, it can never come too late. --C. H. Spurgeon

I write this with a new heart, a heart that still is in pain. Now...now i know that God hasn't forgotten me, He isn't ignoring me. I find that the advice my friends were giving is true. He hasn't cast me off, but He has a plan in this silence. I am called to trust Him, just as much in the dark and dry spells as I am in the times of my life which are laced in beauty.
And I know that I will hear a whisper in my ear telling me, "this is the way, walk this path".

I can now cry out with the psalmist. "Whom have I in heaven but You? There is none on earth that I desire but You. My flesh and heart fail. They fail so much and so, so painfully, but You are my portion and my strength."

(I posted this on my xanga, and I got a few messages telling me that this encouraged them as it was something that they had recently gone through too, so i decided to post it here)